If

If you need me, I'll be here. Whenever, wherever. You can cry on my shoulder, or scream your lungs out. You can tell me anything, and I will never walk away, because that's what love and friendship is. There is nothing you can do that will make me go away. I will dry your tears and make you laugh. When someone hurts you, I will threaten revenge and bake brownies. Just, let me know, and I'll be there.

Wow

I am really trying to stay positive. It is not easy lately. I am trying to take steps to fix my life, and it just doesn't seem to be happening. I got evicted, and moved in with Sara. A couple weeks later, her power was turned off. I moved in with two other friends, and had to leave before I ruined our relationship. I moved in with someone I used to work with, and that was a disaster from the beginning. Now, I am living with a friend and his mom. Today is the second day, and so far so good. Its only temporary, of course, because I will need to get my own place, but I hope to goodness I can stay at least through the winter.

I have lost another friend. Why do we say lost, anyway? It isn't like she just wandered off. No, she stood in front of a car and let it hit her. I am shocked, sad and angry. Right now, this minute, anger is winning. How could she do that to the people who loved her? How could she do that to a stranger? Whoever hit her is fucked up for life. She left a big gaping hole in a lot of lives, but she didn't think about that. I get it. I have been there. More often than I like to admit. Right now, I am mostly pissed that she did that to a total stranger. Even in my darkest hour, when I really thought it would be better if I wasn't around, I could never have fucked someone else up like that. It makes me so angry. I am angry seeing how much everyone hurts, knowing there is nothing I can do to fix it.

This was a wake up call to me. Watching my friends sob. Feeling their tears on my shoulder. Having people tell me if I ever do this to them, they will dig me up and kill me again. Watching her mom hug my friend and tell her not to do this to her mother. I can never be that selfish, ever again. I am not saying I am never going to be depressed. I can't help that. It's how I was built. I will never, ever again threaten to kill myself. I may call a friend and tell them I need them, but I will never, ever again tell people something like that. It isn't worth it. At all.

Hug the people you love. Tell them how you feel. Let the petty bullshit go. It isn't worth it.

Sad Day

Today I am going to the funeral of a friend. She was only 38, and left behind the love of her life and many friends who will miss her every day. Dawn's name fit her, as she brought light to everyone. I am not looking forward to this, but who would?

You are already missed, Dawn.

Venting my guts out

I have been working a lot of overtime lately, because I really, really need my own place. I am very grateful that my friend is letting me stay on her couch for a couple months, but it is a one bedroom apartment. There really isn't any privacy, or any way for me to have some alone time. I am certainly not going to kick her out of her own living room so I can go to bed, or ask her to vacate for a little while so I can sleep, or relax by myself. I miss alone time.

I was in a great mood earlier, but my theory that if my day starts out with me in a good mood, it will all turn to shit, has once again been proven right. I woke up exhausted, but things worked out so that I had some time to myself. I cleaned up a little, read, and just generally took some time to myself. I went to work, and decided I was so tired that I was going to leave a couple hours early. I have been working a lot, and its getting to me. I was planning on going back to my apartment and crashing, one way or the other. When I left work, I checked my texts. I had one from my roommate, saying our power was out. She called me after I sent a text back, and explained that she paid the power bill but the power company is a bunch of assholes who, because she did not call and tell them she paid, turned off the power. Now, until she pays the whole bill, we have no power.

Thankfully, I have really good friends. I am staying on another friends' couch. I won't be able to sleep in, because they have kids, but at least I am not homeless. Oh, but my night gets better.

Recently, my stepmother joined facebook so I friend requested her. She accepted, and then sent me a message stating that she looked at my profile, and because she didn't like some of the messages on my page, she was de-friending me. Umm, are you fucking kidding me? There is nothing on my page that is not me. The only thing I can think is a couple joking posts I put up today. Still, it made me feel like shit.

Oh, I am not done. This is the topper. I have a friend I was planning on living with. I asked her if she wanted to hang out tonight and watch a movie. She said she had to be to work early, which is fine. But, then, when all the shit went down, I tried to get ahold of her. Turns out she was at another friends house, which made me feel like I was not good enough to hang out with.

I am in a horrible mood. If it was just one of these things, I would be fine. But, its all of it. You know? And someone just told me that my roommate basically said the rent is paid until the end of the month, so if I turn the electric on in my name, I can stay. What? What the hell is going on?

Brain dead and zombiefied

I need money. Bad. Half my paycheck was taken by the bank because of the error Netflix made. Netflix credited the money back, but I am still waiting for the bank to credit back the over draft fees. My account was about $200 negative because of all this, which is irritating and frustrating. The bank is supposed to have the money back in there by Friday, but it still screws me. So, I picked up three hours of overtime yesterday, two and a half hours today and three hours tomorrow. Tomorrow is supposed to be my day off. These 12 hours days are killing me, but I need the money.

I am hoping to sleep in tomorrow. We shall see. I don't have to be to work until 7pm, but I am bringing a friend in to work at 3pm to do a typing test. *sigh* I am hoping I get to sleep in tomorrow. I am exhausted.

72 Hours

After work, I stopped by the old apartment. I have this fear that I am going to drive by and all my shit is going to be on the lawn. When I got there, I saw a sheet of paper taped to the door. I have 72 hours to get my shit and get out. That is not a lot of time, especially when I have only one of those three days off. If I can get the majority boxed up tomorrow, then I will feel much better. It means that I will not be able to slack, or hang out with friends, or even relax. I have to get this done. I have to. There is a lot of stuff in there, and I don't want to abandon all of it. I can't. I have nightmares about it.

In other news, life is going well. As usual, I have inappropriate feelings for someone. But, I am not telling them, or anyone else. I hope to all that is holy I have learned my lesson. This person is really awesome, but totally unavailable. So, you know, business as usual.

I am going to move in two months. I wish I had someone who would go with me tomorrow, but I don't really want to open myself even more to people who could possibly judge me. I know its not rational, but that is how I feel. I am hoping that by getting rid of stuff, life will be easier. I have the things that are important, and I have to remember that. I have my cat, most of my clothes, and my laptop. If I leave anything else, it can be replaced. I can't take it with me if I die tomorrow. It's the people that are important, and I need to reconnect with my friends. I miss them. I am supposed to hang out with Gina tomorrow, but this HAS to be done. And once its done, there will be a lot of time freed up and I would have a place to go to hang out with people. I am not embarrassed to have people over. Which is also why I am looking forward to moving in with Tammy.

Not only is she one of the nicest, sweetest people I know, she and I get along well, and she will keep me on the straight and narrow. I know she is not a clean freak, but she is not a messy bessie either. We would hang out when we could, but we would have our own rooms, and we would also be working opposite hours most of the time. I like her. I don't think I want to date her, but she is exactly the type of person I want in my life. She is fun, stable, and awesome. What more can you ask in a roommate?

Will keep you posted on the shoveling out of the dumpster. Now I am going to watch Man Vs. Food, the first season.

Rejected....part 8,348

I know its my own fault, because it always is my fault. At least, that is what people tell me. I have been slacking on getting over to my old apartment, and was going to go today. Then I slept until noon thirty and made plans to see friends. Nothing ended up working out, because I got to see one friend for only a little while before a crisis with another friend hit. I rushed over there, and I like to think I helped, but who knows? Now I am sitting at home, feeling sorry for myself and wondering why people find it so easy to throw me away.

He was a friend, and I admit it, I had a crush on him. He was smart, funny and gorgeous. The three things that bring me to my knees. It quickly became apparent it would never work, one because of some other stuff and two, he wasn't interested in me like that. Cool, we can be friends. Except, it was difficult. I was there for him as much as I could, but even when he asked something I couldn't do for whatever reason, I could not say no. He needed money, and I tried to borrow it. It didn't work. So, now he is no longer my friend, which is sad. I know I need to move on, away, but I miss talking to him. I thought he cared, but does someone really care when they throw you away?

Thursday, no matter what, I am going to the old apartment. I need to get my stuff out. I need to clean it. I need to do something. I am going to be moving into a two bedroom with a friend soon, as long as I don't piss her off. I seem to have a talent for it. I miss a lot of people lately. My life feels like it is spiraling out of control and I don't know what to do about it. I feel myself wanting to become a hermit again but I know that is not the answer.

So, I miss you, but I get it. I won't contact you, because you don't want me to.

Not Getting Stuff Done

Today was my first day back at work after two days off. Normally, it would be heaven, but I have been so stressed trying to figure out what to do, what I need to move and getting motivated. So, today, the plan was, get out of work early and go over to my old apartment and just pack my books in the boxes. What a clusterfuck. My friend picked me up a half hour after I thought he was going to. Then we went to the mall to pick up boxes from a friend, and to the post office at the mall to change my address. (I ran into someone I grew up next to...she was my grandparents' neighbor, and I used to spend a ton of time at her house...cool!) Then, my friend decided we were going to get the storage unit for my closet I wanted. At least we only went to 2 stores. By this time, it was too late, and it has been really humid out, and I no longer had any sort of motivation. So we swung by the apartment but all I grabbed were clothes to wash. I started my wash at my friends' house, and then it was past 9 30 and I wanted to go home. I have good friends, because he is finishing my laundry.

When I got home I started putting my storage unit together. I am waiting to finish in daylight. Don't ask me why, I just want to.

Tomorrow is a huge day. I am getting up at 9am, going to my old apartment with the person I am probably going to move in with in October, and meeting another friend there. A couple hours of boxes being packed and moved, and then to the new apartment to shower for work. Then I am bringing a friend to where I work to apply. I am hoping to get out early again and do more, but we will see how I feel. I am close to just walking away, but there is something in me that won't let me.

I figure I have until August 3rd, because that is the date of the hearing for my eviction. Less than a week, but that's okay. After that day, I will have either 3 days or 30. I am hoping 30 because then it will at least not look like a dumpster threw up. It's bad. I am never allowed to live alone again. Really. Not joking. Two people have told me this, and I tend to agree.

Reconnecting, baseball, and procrastinating

I reconnected with someone I dated briefly today. Even then I knew we made better friends than anything else, and I was trying to let her down gently when she got back together with her ex. She was happy, I was happy, and I felt like it all worked out. Well, except for the fact that they were one of those lesbian couples who never went out once they were in a relationship. She and the ex/new/ex broke up and things have changed drastically in her life. It was good to hang out with her. No spark, but I like her. We discussed moving into a two bedroom apartment in October. I cannot live alone, and she doesn't want to. We shall see.

Anyway, we stopped briefly at my old apartment, but all I got was toothpaste, a fan, and my mail. Then we stopped at the Rainbow Ranch to get some stuff I left there, since I was mostly living there. It was chaos, so we didn't stay long. Then we hung out until it was time for me to meet my other friends for the baseball game.

The game was fun. I liked it. The Syracuse Chiefs lost, but it was still fun. My take on sports is this: with one exception, unless I am going to see it in person, I have no interest. If it's baseball, I want to be overheated, eat a hot dog, and then get eaten by bugs. If it's football, I want to freeze. If it's basketball, I want to hear the echo of the sneakers on the floor, hear the grunts, and smell the sweat. I get bored watching on TV. With, like I said, once exception. Roller derby. I will watch roller derby anytime, anywhere. TV, computer, in person, whenever and wherever. I love it. My point is, I had fun at the baseball game tonight.

Tomorrow is back to work, and I can't keep procrastinating on the moving and cleaning. There are things I need to get out. I am scheduled to start tomorrow at 2pm, and I am going to work until 6 30 or 7 and then use my newly acquired PTO. I will go to the apartment, put books in boxes, and possibly take out more trash. I haven't even gotten past the living room yet. It's bad. The temptation to walk away is very great, but I can't.

So, it's off to bed for me. I am exhausted. Had a big couple days, and I am looking at several more.

Day 2

I was planning on going to my old apartment today, but I am highly unmotivated. I am going, I just don't know what I will end up doing. I am getting some movies delivered today, and I really want them. I also kind of want to get started on getting stuff put away here. I don't like that my stuff is scattered over the living room. I have to get a shelving unit for the closet very soon, because most of my clothing is of the folding variety, not the hanging variety. Decisions, decisions. UG.

Off to shower and make some sort of decision.

A little bit of peace

I got maybe 10 trash bags out. 3 or 4 by myself and then some friends came over and helped a lot. Then we grabbed the cat, the laptop and some clothes and jetted to the new temporary place. I am so lucky. I forget that sometimes.

My cat is a little bit freaked out, and hiding. She did go potty but hasn't eaten anything. I know she will, and she will get more attention here. Plus, it's just healthier. I just hope she gets used to the covered litter box. She tried, but missed. At least she knows where it is.

There was also a little bit of a wi fi problem. The connections here are pretty weak, but we got it to work. Phew. I am exhausted and I think we are going to watch a movie soon. I am drained, and I get to do it all again tomorrow. Ug.

Cleaning

Today is cleaning day. I haven't heard from my landlord since the last voice mail stating I was going to get evicted, and I haven't received an eviction notice yet. I have some place to go, and a couple other options if it doesn't work out, but the sheer size of the task in front of me is daunting.

In my real life I am not a hoarder, or a messy person. I am a really clean person. I like not having much. So, how did it get to this point? It all began when I moved from a house into a very small apartment. I had a lot of stuff, and some of it never got unpacked. A lot of it never got unpacked. And then, I started not wanting to let anyone in emotionally. I took a chance, and did, and they hurt me, so I started building walls of trash. I mean, if it was messy, I wasn't going to invite anyone over. I am only punishing myself though. I need to get rid of so much stuff. Most of the stuff. There is still stuff I want to keep, though, so I can't just take my cat, my clothes and my laptop and walk away. I have to throw stuff out.

Except just looking at it, I freak out. I have been up for about 4 hours, and I have only done two trash bags. I need a box by the door to put stuff in, to get that out. Get it all out, either in a bag or in a box. I wish I had the balls to take a picture of this place. I don't but maybe in a couple days. We will see.

Onto the next bag.

Its all fake

People get the wrong impression of me a lot. I am really good at hiding my emotions, especially when it matters. I don't break down in front of friends. I can bring it all in, and hide it. For some reason, not today. At all. One of the team leaders at work and I have an interesting relationship. He is sarcastic and a little mean, but I know he actually likes me enough that I would be one of the only people he would hang out with outside of work. But, today, for some reason, he said something that kind of hurt my feelings. And since it was me being sensitive, I didn't say anything. I would have gotten over it quickly, except...

Someone I get along with at work also teased me today. Not really very mean spirited, but somehow something she said hurt. A lot. And we are not done there. One last person that I have a weird relationship started hitting all my sensitive points, knowing full well what they were. It was kind of like, what?

I seem to give off this impression that I am very happy go lucky and mellow, and sometimes I am. But I take so much to heart, and it hurts me a lot. I ended up sobbing at a friends house tonight. I hate to cry, and I hate to cry in front of people even more. I took a walk, and that was enough for another friend to come kidnap me. It was odd, because his partner came too, and she and I haven't been talking. She is awesome, but things happen. I think she hates me, but she was there.

Friends are there for me, and I try to talk it out, but I don't know how to say it. I am overwhelmed, and don't think it will ever get done. I am scared. I keep thinking how much easier oblivion would be, but that is only a part of me. A huge part right now, but there is that little part that does hear everything people are saying. I don't believe it, but at least I am writing about it and not staring at my insulin or my needles thinking how easy it would be.

Oh, yeah, that kind of makes it worse. I think it should be illegal to be bipolar and insulin dependent diabetic. It's just not right at all.

Somehow it makes it worse that I keep getting thrown away by people I become really close to. My best friend recently sent me an email that broke my heart. We didn't talk for over 3 months. Now, all of a sudden, she misses me. I have missed her every damn day, but do I want to set myself up to be hurt again? Another couple who blamed me for something that turned into a huge drama filled deal (over something really dumb) have recently started speaking to me again. This happens to me a lot. Someone gets angry at me, or blames me for what is wrong in their life, and decides I am out of their life. Then, a little while later, decides they miss me and need me.

I am not a toy. I have feelings. Yes, I will be there for you, because that is what friends do, but damn it, be there for me too. I have problems too. I need someone to be there for me for once.

Don't know

I don't know why everyone is getting so worked up. Sometimes, like the song says, you have to know when to hold 'em, know when fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run. It just makes sense.

Work...blah

I feel like all I do is work. I am frustrated that I haven't been able to see many of my friends lately, especially because there are a couple that have reconnected with me. Like my ex best friend who broke my heart the last time she decided she didn't want to be friends. I don't understand how people become my friend, get mad at me for some reason (deserved or not), and then a month or so down the road decide they cannot live without me anymore. If it was just one person, I would think it was that person. But, it's not. It's weird. Especially when they stop talking to me for something I have been doing since they met me. Like smoking. Somehow, smoking became an issue with one of my friends. I have smoked cigarettes for longer than she is alive. I may not be a mature 36 year old, but I can still make my own decisions. Ug. We shall see.

I mostly spend time with work friends. I have a handful of people at work that it makes me happy to sit near, but honestly, most people seem to like me. Which is good. Someone who quit recently volunteered to have me live with them. It's a house, and I would have my own space, which may be better than staying on someone's couch. I have to make a decision, and by tomorrow. Things are going to happen quickly, which may be exactly what I need to change things.

I am also really disappointed that my publisher is nowhere to be found. I think I am going to have to go online with the magazine. Ug. I have everything I need. Well, except for money.

In other news, I refuse to get crushes on anyone ever again. It only leads to bad stuff.

And, that's some of what is on my mind.

Beating Myself Up

I have spent a lot of time in my life lately beating myself up, due to a situation I don't want to accept. I don't know what to do about it. It's frustrating. And my age got thrown into my face this morning. Awesome. Just because I am 35 doesn't mean I can't fall for someone I like. The whole situation is FUBAR. I have been trying to remove myself from the whole situation, and its not happening.

On top of it, I am having to channel my inner bitch lately. It's not going well.

And so it begins

Welcome to a new blog. I stopped blogging for quite a while, mainly because where I thought of it as venting and showing my feelings, or chatting about my day, some people took offense. Usually family, but some friends too. It got to the point where I was being asked to delete part of what I said, or remove a name. So, I stopped. I miss it. This is my best writing, whether it be me venting, or me being creative.

I haven't been writing well at all lately. I tend to deny my feelings, and then get writers block. Plus, every time I find a new place to write, people find it. And complain. So here we are.

For the first time in a long time, I have been trying to write, and it has not been going well. I am starting an LGBTQ magazine for my local area, and NOTHING I am writing is coming out in my voice. Not good. So, here we are. I am hoping that if I can start writing regularly again, whatever I want, with no pressure, I can get back to my voice.

Well, it's late and I have a party I am throwing tomorrow. I probably won't sleep but I should at least attempt it. :) Welcome to my life.