Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Not Getting Stuff Done

Today was my first day back at work after two days off. Normally, it would be heaven, but I have been so stressed trying to figure out what to do, what I need to move and getting motivated. So, today, the plan was, get out of work early and go over to my old apartment and just pack my books in the boxes. What a clusterfuck. My friend picked me up a half hour after I thought he was going to. Then we went to the mall to pick up boxes from a friend, and to the post office at the mall to change my address. (I ran into someone I grew up next to...she was my grandparents' neighbor, and I used to spend a ton of time at her!) Then, my friend decided we were going to get the storage unit for my closet I wanted. At least we only went to 2 stores. By this time, it was too late, and it has been really humid out, and I no longer had any sort of motivation. So we swung by the apartment but all I grabbed were clothes to wash. I started my wash at my friends' house, and then it was past 9 30 and I wanted to go home. I have good friends, because he is finishing my laundry.

When I got home I started putting my storage unit together. I am waiting to finish in daylight. Don't ask me why, I just want to.

Tomorrow is a huge day. I am getting up at 9am, going to my old apartment with the person I am probably going to move in with in October, and meeting another friend there. A couple hours of boxes being packed and moved, and then to the new apartment to shower for work. Then I am bringing a friend to where I work to apply. I am hoping to get out early again and do more, but we will see how I feel. I am close to just walking away, but there is something in me that won't let me.

I figure I have until August 3rd, because that is the date of the hearing for my eviction. Less than a week, but that's okay. After that day, I will have either 3 days or 30. I am hoping 30 because then it will at least not look like a dumpster threw up. It's bad. I am never allowed to live alone again. Really. Not joking. Two people have told me this, and I tend to agree.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Reconnecting, baseball, and procrastinating

I reconnected with someone I dated briefly today. Even then I knew we made better friends than anything else, and I was trying to let her down gently when she got back together with her ex. She was happy, I was happy, and I felt like it all worked out. Well, except for the fact that they were one of those lesbian couples who never went out once they were in a relationship. She and the ex/new/ex broke up and things have changed drastically in her life. It was good to hang out with her. No spark, but I like her. We discussed moving into a two bedroom apartment in October. I cannot live alone, and she doesn't want to. We shall see.

Anyway, we stopped briefly at my old apartment, but all I got was toothpaste, a fan, and my mail. Then we stopped at the Rainbow Ranch to get some stuff I left there, since I was mostly living there. It was chaos, so we didn't stay long. Then we hung out until it was time for me to meet my other friends for the baseball game.

The game was fun. I liked it. The Syracuse Chiefs lost, but it was still fun. My take on sports is this: with one exception, unless I am going to see it in person, I have no interest. If it's baseball, I want to be overheated, eat a hot dog, and then get eaten by bugs. If it's football, I want to freeze. If it's basketball, I want to hear the echo of the sneakers on the floor, hear the grunts, and smell the sweat. I get bored watching on TV. With, like I said, once exception. Roller derby. I will watch roller derby anytime, anywhere. TV, computer, in person, whenever and wherever. I love it. My point is, I had fun at the baseball game tonight.

Tomorrow is back to work, and I can't keep procrastinating on the moving and cleaning. There are things I need to get out. I am scheduled to start tomorrow at 2pm, and I am going to work until 6 30 or 7 and then use my newly acquired PTO. I will go to the apartment, put books in boxes, and possibly take out more trash. I haven't even gotten past the living room yet. It's bad. The temptation to walk away is very great, but I can't.

So, it's off to bed for me. I am exhausted. Had a big couple days, and I am looking at several more.

Day 2

I was planning on going to my old apartment today, but I am highly unmotivated. I am going, I just don't know what I will end up doing. I am getting some movies delivered today, and I really want them. I also kind of want to get started on getting stuff put away here. I don't like that my stuff is scattered over the living room. I have to get a shelving unit for the closet very soon, because most of my clothing is of the folding variety, not the hanging variety. Decisions, decisions. UG.

Off to shower and make some sort of decision.

Monday, July 26, 2010

A little bit of peace

I got maybe 10 trash bags out. 3 or 4 by myself and then some friends came over and helped a lot. Then we grabbed the cat, the laptop and some clothes and jetted to the new temporary place. I am so lucky. I forget that sometimes.

My cat is a little bit freaked out, and hiding. She did go potty but hasn't eaten anything. I know she will, and she will get more attention here. Plus, it's just healthier. I just hope she gets used to the covered litter box. She tried, but missed. At least she knows where it is.

There was also a little bit of a wi fi problem. The connections here are pretty weak, but we got it to work. Phew. I am exhausted and I think we are going to watch a movie soon. I am drained, and I get to do it all again tomorrow. Ug.


Today is cleaning day. I haven't heard from my landlord since the last voice mail stating I was going to get evicted, and I haven't received an eviction notice yet. I have some place to go, and a couple other options if it doesn't work out, but the sheer size of the task in front of me is daunting.

In my real life I am not a hoarder, or a messy person. I am a really clean person. I like not having much. So, how did it get to this point? It all began when I moved from a house into a very small apartment. I had a lot of stuff, and some of it never got unpacked. A lot of it never got unpacked. And then, I started not wanting to let anyone in emotionally. I took a chance, and did, and they hurt me, so I started building walls of trash. I mean, if it was messy, I wasn't going to invite anyone over. I am only punishing myself though. I need to get rid of so much stuff. Most of the stuff. There is still stuff I want to keep, though, so I can't just take my cat, my clothes and my laptop and walk away. I have to throw stuff out.

Except just looking at it, I freak out. I have been up for about 4 hours, and I have only done two trash bags. I need a box by the door to put stuff in, to get that out. Get it all out, either in a bag or in a box. I wish I had the balls to take a picture of this place. I don't but maybe in a couple days. We will see.

Onto the next bag.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Its all fake

People get the wrong impression of me a lot. I am really good at hiding my emotions, especially when it matters. I don't break down in front of friends. I can bring it all in, and hide it. For some reason, not today. At all. One of the team leaders at work and I have an interesting relationship. He is sarcastic and a little mean, but I know he actually likes me enough that I would be one of the only people he would hang out with outside of work. But, today, for some reason, he said something that kind of hurt my feelings. And since it was me being sensitive, I didn't say anything. I would have gotten over it quickly, except...

Someone I get along with at work also teased me today. Not really very mean spirited, but somehow something she said hurt. A lot. And we are not done there. One last person that I have a weird relationship started hitting all my sensitive points, knowing full well what they were. It was kind of like, what?

I seem to give off this impression that I am very happy go lucky and mellow, and sometimes I am. But I take so much to heart, and it hurts me a lot. I ended up sobbing at a friends house tonight. I hate to cry, and I hate to cry in front of people even more. I took a walk, and that was enough for another friend to come kidnap me. It was odd, because his partner came too, and she and I haven't been talking. She is awesome, but things happen. I think she hates me, but she was there.

Friends are there for me, and I try to talk it out, but I don't know how to say it. I am overwhelmed, and don't think it will ever get done. I am scared. I keep thinking how much easier oblivion would be, but that is only a part of me. A huge part right now, but there is that little part that does hear everything people are saying. I don't believe it, but at least I am writing about it and not staring at my insulin or my needles thinking how easy it would be.

Oh, yeah, that kind of makes it worse. I think it should be illegal to be bipolar and insulin dependent diabetic. It's just not right at all.

Somehow it makes it worse that I keep getting thrown away by people I become really close to. My best friend recently sent me an email that broke my heart. We didn't talk for over 3 months. Now, all of a sudden, she misses me. I have missed her every damn day, but do I want to set myself up to be hurt again? Another couple who blamed me for something that turned into a huge drama filled deal (over something really dumb) have recently started speaking to me again. This happens to me a lot. Someone gets angry at me, or blames me for what is wrong in their life, and decides I am out of their life. Then, a little while later, decides they miss me and need me.

I am not a toy. I have feelings. Yes, I will be there for you, because that is what friends do, but damn it, be there for me too. I have problems too. I need someone to be there for me for once.

Don't know

I don't know why everyone is getting so worked up. Sometimes, like the song says, you have to know when to hold 'em, know when fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run. It just makes sense.

Saturday, July 24, 2010


I feel like all I do is work. I am frustrated that I haven't been able to see many of my friends lately, especially because there are a couple that have reconnected with me. Like my ex best friend who broke my heart the last time she decided she didn't want to be friends. I don't understand how people become my friend, get mad at me for some reason (deserved or not), and then a month or so down the road decide they cannot live without me anymore. If it was just one person, I would think it was that person. But, it's not. It's weird. Especially when they stop talking to me for something I have been doing since they met me. Like smoking. Somehow, smoking became an issue with one of my friends. I have smoked cigarettes for longer than she is alive. I may not be a mature 36 year old, but I can still make my own decisions. Ug. We shall see.

I mostly spend time with work friends. I have a handful of people at work that it makes me happy to sit near, but honestly, most people seem to like me. Which is good. Someone who quit recently volunteered to have me live with them. It's a house, and I would have my own space, which may be better than staying on someone's couch. I have to make a decision, and by tomorrow. Things are going to happen quickly, which may be exactly what I need to change things.

I am also really disappointed that my publisher is nowhere to be found. I think I am going to have to go online with the magazine. Ug. I have everything I need. Well, except for money.

In other news, I refuse to get crushes on anyone ever again. It only leads to bad stuff.

And, that's some of what is on my mind.