Its all fake

People get the wrong impression of me a lot. I am really good at hiding my emotions, especially when it matters. I don't break down in front of friends. I can bring it all in, and hide it. For some reason, not today. At all. One of the team leaders at work and I have an interesting relationship. He is sarcastic and a little mean, but I know he actually likes me enough that I would be one of the only people he would hang out with outside of work. But, today, for some reason, he said something that kind of hurt my feelings. And since it was me being sensitive, I didn't say anything. I would have gotten over it quickly, except...

Someone I get along with at work also teased me today. Not really very mean spirited, but somehow something she said hurt. A lot. And we are not done there. One last person that I have a weird relationship started hitting all my sensitive points, knowing full well what they were. It was kind of like, what?

I seem to give off this impression that I am very happy go lucky and mellow, and sometimes I am. But I take so much to heart, and it hurts me a lot. I ended up sobbing at a friends house tonight. I hate to cry, and I hate to cry in front of people even more. I took a walk, and that was enough for another friend to come kidnap me. It was odd, because his partner came too, and she and I haven't been talking. She is awesome, but things happen. I think she hates me, but she was there.

Friends are there for me, and I try to talk it out, but I don't know how to say it. I am overwhelmed, and don't think it will ever get done. I am scared. I keep thinking how much easier oblivion would be, but that is only a part of me. A huge part right now, but there is that little part that does hear everything people are saying. I don't believe it, but at least I am writing about it and not staring at my insulin or my needles thinking how easy it would be.

Oh, yeah, that kind of makes it worse. I think it should be illegal to be bipolar and insulin dependent diabetic. It's just not right at all.

Somehow it makes it worse that I keep getting thrown away by people I become really close to. My best friend recently sent me an email that broke my heart. We didn't talk for over 3 months. Now, all of a sudden, she misses me. I have missed her every damn day, but do I want to set myself up to be hurt again? Another couple who blamed me for something that turned into a huge drama filled deal (over something really dumb) have recently started speaking to me again. This happens to me a lot. Someone gets angry at me, or blames me for what is wrong in their life, and decides I am out of their life. Then, a little while later, decides they miss me and need me.

I am not a toy. I have feelings. Yes, I will be there for you, because that is what friends do, but damn it, be there for me too. I have problems too. I need someone to be there for me for once.