I know its my own fault, because it always is my fault. At least, that is what people tell me. I have been slacking on getting over to my old apartment, and was going to go today. Then I slept until noon thirty and made plans to see friends. Nothing ended up working out, because I got to see one friend for only a little while before a crisis with another friend hit. I rushed over there, and I like to think I helped, but who knows? Now I am sitting at home, feeling sorry for myself and wondering why people find it so easy to throw me away.
He was a friend, and I admit it, I had a crush on him. He was smart, funny and gorgeous. The three things that bring me to my knees. It quickly became apparent it would never work, one because of some other stuff and two, he wasn't interested in me like that. Cool, we can be friends. Except, it was difficult. I was there for him as much as I could, but even when he asked something I couldn't do for whatever reason, I could not say no. He needed money, and I tried to borrow it. It didn't work. So, now he is no longer my friend, which is sad. I know I need to move on, away, but I miss talking to him. I thought he cared, but does someone really care when they throw you away?
Thursday, no matter what, I am going to the old apartment. I need to get my stuff out. I need to clean it. I need to do something. I am going to be moving into a two bedroom with a friend soon, as long as I don't piss her off. I seem to have a talent for it. I miss a lot of people lately. My life feels like it is spiraling out of control and I don't know what to do about it. I feel myself wanting to become a hermit again but I know that is not the answer.
So, I miss you, but I get it. I won't contact you, because you don't want me to.