I am really trying to stay positive. It is not easy lately. I am trying to take steps to fix my life, and it just doesn't seem to be happening. I got evicted, and moved in with Sara. A couple weeks later, her power was turned off. I moved in with two other friends, and had to leave before I ruined our relationship. I moved in with someone I used to work with, and that was a disaster from the beginning. Now, I am living with a friend and his mom. Today is the second day, and so far so good. Its only temporary, of course, because I will need to get my own place, but I hope to goodness I can stay at least through the winter.
I have lost another friend. Why do we say lost, anyway? It isn't like she just wandered off. No, she stood in front of a car and let it hit her. I am shocked, sad and angry. Right now, this minute, anger is winning. How could she do that to the people who loved her? How could she do that to a stranger? Whoever hit her is fucked up for life. She left a big gaping hole in a lot of lives, but she didn't think about that. I get it. I have been there. More often than I like to admit. Right now, I am mostly pissed that she did that to a total stranger. Even in my darkest hour, when I really thought it would be better if I wasn't around, I could never have fucked someone else up like that. It makes me so angry. I am angry seeing how much everyone hurts, knowing there is nothing I can do to fix it.
This was a wake up call to me. Watching my friends sob. Feeling their tears on my shoulder. Having people tell me if I ever do this to them, they will dig me up and kill me again. Watching her mom hug my friend and tell her not to do this to her mother. I can never be that selfish, ever again. I am not saying I am never going to be depressed. I can't help that. It's how I was built. I will never, ever again threaten to kill myself. I may call a friend and tell them I need them, but I will never, ever again tell people something like that. It isn't worth it. At all.
Hug the people you love. Tell them how you feel. Let the petty bullshit go. It isn't worth it.