If

If you need me, I'll be here. Whenever, wherever. You can cry on my shoulder, or scream your lungs out. You can tell me anything, and I will never walk away, because that's what love and friendship is. There is nothing you can do that will make me go away. I will dry your tears and make you laugh. When someone hurts you, I will threaten revenge and bake brownies. Just, let me know, and I'll be there.

Wow

I am really trying to stay positive. It is not easy lately. I am trying to take steps to fix my life, and it just doesn't seem to be happening. I got evicted, and moved in with Sara. A couple weeks later, her power was turned off. I moved in with two other friends, and had to leave before I ruined our relationship. I moved in with someone I used to work with, and that was a disaster from the beginning. Now, I am living with a friend and his mom. Today is the second day, and so far so good. Its only temporary, of course, because I will need to get my own place, but I hope to goodness I can stay at least through the winter.

I have lost another friend. Why do we say lost, anyway? It isn't like she just wandered off. No, she stood in front of a car and let it hit her. I am shocked, sad and angry. Right now, this minute, anger is winning. How could she do that to the people who loved her? How could she do that to a stranger? Whoever hit her is fucked up for life. She left a big gaping hole in a lot of lives, but she didn't think about that. I get it. I have been there. More often than I like to admit. Right now, I am mostly pissed that she did that to a total stranger. Even in my darkest hour, when I really thought it would be better if I wasn't around, I could never have fucked someone else up like that. It makes me so angry. I am angry seeing how much everyone hurts, knowing there is nothing I can do to fix it.

This was a wake up call to me. Watching my friends sob. Feeling their tears on my shoulder. Having people tell me if I ever do this to them, they will dig me up and kill me again. Watching her mom hug my friend and tell her not to do this to her mother. I can never be that selfish, ever again. I am not saying I am never going to be depressed. I can't help that. It's how I was built. I will never, ever again threaten to kill myself. I may call a friend and tell them I need them, but I will never, ever again tell people something like that. It isn't worth it. At all.

Hug the people you love. Tell them how you feel. Let the petty bullshit go. It isn't worth it.

Sad Day

Today I am going to the funeral of a friend. She was only 38, and left behind the love of her life and many friends who will miss her every day. Dawn's name fit her, as she brought light to everyone. I am not looking forward to this, but who would?

You are already missed, Dawn.

Venting my guts out

I have been working a lot of overtime lately, because I really, really need my own place. I am very grateful that my friend is letting me stay on her couch for a couple months, but it is a one bedroom apartment. There really isn't any privacy, or any way for me to have some alone time. I am certainly not going to kick her out of her own living room so I can go to bed, or ask her to vacate for a little while so I can sleep, or relax by myself. I miss alone time.

I was in a great mood earlier, but my theory that if my day starts out with me in a good mood, it will all turn to shit, has once again been proven right. I woke up exhausted, but things worked out so that I had some time to myself. I cleaned up a little, read, and just generally took some time to myself. I went to work, and decided I was so tired that I was going to leave a couple hours early. I have been working a lot, and its getting to me. I was planning on going back to my apartment and crashing, one way or the other. When I left work, I checked my texts. I had one from my roommate, saying our power was out. She called me after I sent a text back, and explained that she paid the power bill but the power company is a bunch of assholes who, because she did not call and tell them she paid, turned off the power. Now, until she pays the whole bill, we have no power.

Thankfully, I have really good friends. I am staying on another friends' couch. I won't be able to sleep in, because they have kids, but at least I am not homeless. Oh, but my night gets better.

Recently, my stepmother joined facebook so I friend requested her. She accepted, and then sent me a message stating that she looked at my profile, and because she didn't like some of the messages on my page, she was de-friending me. Umm, are you fucking kidding me? There is nothing on my page that is not me. The only thing I can think is a couple joking posts I put up today. Still, it made me feel like shit.

Oh, I am not done. This is the topper. I have a friend I was planning on living with. I asked her if she wanted to hang out tonight and watch a movie. She said she had to be to work early, which is fine. But, then, when all the shit went down, I tried to get ahold of her. Turns out she was at another friends house, which made me feel like I was not good enough to hang out with.

I am in a horrible mood. If it was just one of these things, I would be fine. But, its all of it. You know? And someone just told me that my roommate basically said the rent is paid until the end of the month, so if I turn the electric on in my name, I can stay. What? What the hell is going on?

Brain dead and zombiefied

I need money. Bad. Half my paycheck was taken by the bank because of the error Netflix made. Netflix credited the money back, but I am still waiting for the bank to credit back the over draft fees. My account was about $200 negative because of all this, which is irritating and frustrating. The bank is supposed to have the money back in there by Friday, but it still screws me. So, I picked up three hours of overtime yesterday, two and a half hours today and three hours tomorrow. Tomorrow is supposed to be my day off. These 12 hours days are killing me, but I need the money.

I am hoping to sleep in tomorrow. We shall see. I don't have to be to work until 7pm, but I am bringing a friend in to work at 3pm to do a typing test. *sigh* I am hoping I get to sleep in tomorrow. I am exhausted.

72 Hours

After work, I stopped by the old apartment. I have this fear that I am going to drive by and all my shit is going to be on the lawn. When I got there, I saw a sheet of paper taped to the door. I have 72 hours to get my shit and get out. That is not a lot of time, especially when I have only one of those three days off. If I can get the majority boxed up tomorrow, then I will feel much better. It means that I will not be able to slack, or hang out with friends, or even relax. I have to get this done. I have to. There is a lot of stuff in there, and I don't want to abandon all of it. I can't. I have nightmares about it.

In other news, life is going well. As usual, I have inappropriate feelings for someone. But, I am not telling them, or anyone else. I hope to all that is holy I have learned my lesson. This person is really awesome, but totally unavailable. So, you know, business as usual.

I am going to move in two months. I wish I had someone who would go with me tomorrow, but I don't really want to open myself even more to people who could possibly judge me. I know its not rational, but that is how I feel. I am hoping that by getting rid of stuff, life will be easier. I have the things that are important, and I have to remember that. I have my cat, most of my clothes, and my laptop. If I leave anything else, it can be replaced. I can't take it with me if I die tomorrow. It's the people that are important, and I need to reconnect with my friends. I miss them. I am supposed to hang out with Gina tomorrow, but this HAS to be done. And once its done, there will be a lot of time freed up and I would have a place to go to hang out with people. I am not embarrassed to have people over. Which is also why I am looking forward to moving in with Tammy.

Not only is she one of the nicest, sweetest people I know, she and I get along well, and she will keep me on the straight and narrow. I know she is not a clean freak, but she is not a messy bessie either. We would hang out when we could, but we would have our own rooms, and we would also be working opposite hours most of the time. I like her. I don't think I want to date her, but she is exactly the type of person I want in my life. She is fun, stable, and awesome. What more can you ask in a roommate?

Will keep you posted on the shoveling out of the dumpster. Now I am going to watch Man Vs. Food, the first season.

Rejected....part 8,348

I know its my own fault, because it always is my fault. At least, that is what people tell me. I have been slacking on getting over to my old apartment, and was going to go today. Then I slept until noon thirty and made plans to see friends. Nothing ended up working out, because I got to see one friend for only a little while before a crisis with another friend hit. I rushed over there, and I like to think I helped, but who knows? Now I am sitting at home, feeling sorry for myself and wondering why people find it so easy to throw me away.

He was a friend, and I admit it, I had a crush on him. He was smart, funny and gorgeous. The three things that bring me to my knees. It quickly became apparent it would never work, one because of some other stuff and two, he wasn't interested in me like that. Cool, we can be friends. Except, it was difficult. I was there for him as much as I could, but even when he asked something I couldn't do for whatever reason, I could not say no. He needed money, and I tried to borrow it. It didn't work. So, now he is no longer my friend, which is sad. I know I need to move on, away, but I miss talking to him. I thought he cared, but does someone really care when they throw you away?

Thursday, no matter what, I am going to the old apartment. I need to get my stuff out. I need to clean it. I need to do something. I am going to be moving into a two bedroom with a friend soon, as long as I don't piss her off. I seem to have a talent for it. I miss a lot of people lately. My life feels like it is spiraling out of control and I don't know what to do about it. I feel myself wanting to become a hermit again but I know that is not the answer.

So, I miss you, but I get it. I won't contact you, because you don't want me to.